dear abby,
i fear i may have gotten myself into something of a pinch. i slept with my sister's fiance just a week before they were to wed. i had known him since we attended military school together as teens, and though i am impressed by the seductive powers of my own machismo, i think i might have gone a bit too far this time by shaving my name into the hair of his chest mid-coitus. needless to say i was soon discovered as the harbinger of discord when my sister read her brother's name there on the rippled torso of her lover, and as a result i have become something of a persona non-grata among the rest of my family. she wasted no time in sharing the brash details of our peremptorily salacious conduct with anyone who would listen, and eventually word got back to the groom-to-be's relations. his brothers operate a somewhat (i.e. exorbitantly) illegal entrepreneurship involving the 'traffic' of some of the local farmlands' finest 'produce' well, it just so happens that my lover, my darling baby sister Angeline's fiance, sqaundered a good deal of his brothers' 'produce', and i was unwittingly his accomplice, because our own fated tryst began, commensurated, and culminated with gifts from his family's trade. the fiance has been missing now for several days, and i have been warned by my closest allies that my well-being (or the contrary, more specifically) has come under the scrutiny of a local generalissimo.
so anyway. . .long story made somewhat less so. . the wedding has, quite understandably, been called off and i was going to return my wedding gift, but i am attending another wedding in two weeks, and, though a juicer (my intended gift) was not on the other couple's list, it is a very nice juicer. i would feel lucky to have it were it presented to me, but would it be a shameless faux pas to assume that this nice young couple that i have known less than a year would think the same?

help me abby!
signed,
beleaguered in bogata

big up to the ever-diligent candy and her unstoppable web skills: webward the course of empire blah, blah, blah