Thursday, August 01, 2002

Stab That Man


Every single day at four thirty-five,
I have to hear the same lame jive,
As I cross the street to catch the bus,
I become enraged and start to fuss.

There's a cop that traffics the cars across,
An intersection at which I'm instructed to pause,
And as his whistle blows to make the cars stop,
I come across the same old lame fop.

A man-child with a curt mustache,
A melon head and mammoth ass,
Says it every day to my disbelief,
To the crossing pig he quips out,"Thanks, chief!"

Stab that man,
Stab that man,
Won't somebody kill that guy?

I mean it, now, it's the same every day,
"Thanks, chief," as he plods along his regular way,
In the direction directly opposite me,
As to rub it in that his back's knife-free,

The first time I heard it I thought him retarded,
But he's asking for vengeance as I now regard it,
One day as thunder was stewing the swelter,
He said to me, thoughtlessly,"I suggest you find shelter."

No shit, Sherlock, you oaf and you bellow,
Dear God, why has nobody murdered this fellow?
Every single day I hear him summon Grim's Reap,
As we cross, and I listen, and he blurts out,"Thanks, chief!"

Stab that man,
Stab that man,
Won't somebody stab that man?

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Do-It-Your-Damn-Self Dinners


Wow. You're really hungry, huh? Okay! How about we make some tasty baked bean sandwiches? Yeah?
You'll need:
  • one can Bush's vegetarian baked beans
  • two slices of whole wheat bread
  • one slice of american cheese
  • an iron will
  • Zatarain's creole mustard

1. In a microwave-safe bowl, heat the beans in a microwave oven for about a minute, and put the bread in the toaster.
2. Remove the slices of bread and put the creole mustard on one slice.
3. Place the cheese slice on the mustard and spread four of five spoonfuls of beans on the cheese.
4. Give your pantry and refrigerator another "once over" to make sure that you absolutely do not have anything better to eat in the house.
5. Store the rest of the beans in the refrigerator. You'll probably have them for lunch tomorrow.
6. I never said it would be easy.
7. Put the 2nd slice of bread on top. Be sure to hold the sandwich horizontally, because beans have a tendency to drip.
8. Enjoy?!