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The Agrarians-a short play

dramatis personae~

Uncle Seamus~the uncle of Adolphus and master of the farmhouse
Adolphus~(aka Dolfie, the Dolfster) the nephew of Seamus

(scene-the farmhouse kitchen, daybreak)

(Adolphus comes down to break the fast at the courtesy of Uncle Seamus)

Uncle Seamus-Good morning, my nephew, Adolphus. And prithee, boy, the Dolfster, how did you sleep all eventide?

Adolphus-Very well, thank you, treasured uncle. My sleep was restful and undisturbed. A better sleep I don't believe I've fared since a coddling in my mother's arms.

Uncle Seamus-Excellent well! Pray, tell me, Adolphus, would you care to stroll with me this wonderful midspringsome morning to see what sights with which the pastures may entreat us? I would that I would have a word with you. . .would you word with me?

Adolphus-Sure just lemme finish this Cap'n Crunch.

(slurp)

(later~amidmost the pasture's field, Uncle Seamus and Adolphus walking on, stage left)

Uncle Seamus- How is your education coming along? I hear good things from your headmaster, Mr. Dummgeboren. His wife and mine are dear friends and I supped with them not a fortnight past. But what I glean from cordiality with my sister, your mother, is that you are enduring an unspecified malaise in your presently formative years. My own personal upbringing was not bound by the same incidental lameality of yours, but I was reckoning that I may have a sympathetic ear, relatively detached from your immediate duress, which into you may pour your personal misgivings with adolescence and the crux, adroitly-realized, between being and becoming, like so much liquid sentiment.

Adolphus-I'm sorry, unlce Seamus, but I completely lost you there.

Uncle Seamus-Of course, humble apologies, nephew. Are you doing OK these days?

Adolphus-Well. .. have you ever felt like .. ..say you make, oh, i don't know, model airplanes, right? And, like, this is something that you put a lot of time into. So eventually you get really good at making these model airplanes. You're, like, the shit, as far as making model airplanes is concerned. And people know, cause they hear about you and your planes a lot, and every motherfucker knows that if they want to learn how to make a model airplane right, they come to you. Well. . .. what if one day you kinda just stop, and you realize that making these planes hasn't really been about the planes at all. You kinda notice that all the time you've spent carving and gluing and painting and putting decals on, that was just a way for you not to notice something else. Or more precisely, for you to notice nothing else. It's like there's this place in you and you've been putting model airplanes in there for so long that you just assumed that that's where they went, but once it hits you, you see that there's no way that model airplanes alone can fill that space. Not even all the model airplanes you've ever made can. So your models are great, but they don't mean as much to you anymore, because you can't understand what's really supposed to go in that place. And every time you sit down, and try to keep building the shits, whereas you used to only think about how great this bomber's gonna be, or how well you glue the seams up, or whatever, you can only think about throwing another model airplane into this big hole and never seeing it again. So all of a sudden you're all, "Well, fuck. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

Uncle Seamus-No, my boy, I can't say I've ever felt like that for one instant in my long and prosperous life. In fact, that kind of thinking is so foreign to me that you may as well, for what good it did you, have been speaking in a different language altogether. Bantu, perhaps.

Adophus-Never mind.

Uncle Seamus-Or Welsh. I never did learn Welsh, though I have always fancied the sound of the word: WELSH!!

Adolphus- . . .

Uncle Seamus- . . .

Adolphus-. . . you ever eat an apple and get a piece of the skin caught between your front teeth?

Uncle Seamus- Oh, SHIT yes! Well, let me cut to the quick. I really brought you out here to talk to you on you parents behalf. If you would, Dolfie, do me the smallest of favors and take a ganderous regardation over towards the stables, now, please.

Adolphus-(beleagueredly looking) What's that big horse doing to that other horse?

Uncle Seamus-That, my precious, insouciant nephew, is the beginning of what eventually boils down to a long and arduously drawn-out custody battle, which humans call sexual intercourse.

Adolphus-What's 'custody', Uncle Seamus?

Uncle Seamus-(mumbling to self, fumbling in pockets). . od i don't know why i agreed to th. . . (to Adolphus) LOOK OVER THERE!!

(pointing oppositely Uncle Seamus withdraws a handkerchief from his back pocket and, after dousing it with ether, smothers Adolphus' nose and mouth)

(curtain, and scene)